My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This house was built for laser tag.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
