when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
