I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
