the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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