I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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