i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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