Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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