I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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