I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
