I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
