While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
