u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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