sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
