Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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