My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
