I need to stop coming to work sober
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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