I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
17 year olds will be the death of me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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