foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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