hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
