I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
