Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
