there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
