So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
