dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
