if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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