I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
