It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Someone signed my nipple.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
