Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
