Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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