My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
