I think I am morally bankrupt
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
