Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She said her name was "party"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
