It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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