You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
