Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
