I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
