Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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