Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also, beer. Big fan.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
