there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
