Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
