Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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