I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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