Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
