Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
