i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
drinking out of a sandbucket again
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
