I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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