Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
