I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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