she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
