that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
