My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
