do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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