Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
