Got a toothbrush?
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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